I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
