Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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