i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
