Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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