please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my shit smells like andre
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
