New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
