Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
