I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
