i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
