Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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