Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
