She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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