He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
