The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
