The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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