shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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