I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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