I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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