I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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