I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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