I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
