thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
