i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
