Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
