What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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