I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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