so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
