you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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