My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Someone came in the potted fern
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
