FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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