I just saw a hot homeless man
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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