...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
