youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Please, let me fuck your mom
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
