omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
