we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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