Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
