I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
