true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
