I wish my penis had an off switch
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
