I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
