it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
