Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
