Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
