oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
