The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
