She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
