Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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