I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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