hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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