I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
