Please, let me fuck your mom
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
